If I can’t, his wife can’t….

they were going through hard times, my friends… but this? I just can’t reconcile…

I met Scott briefly in 1995 when my girlfriend threw me a baby shower for my son’s upcoming birth.  Scott was a neighbor.  He came over bearing gifts – simple gifts – a couple bottles & pacifiers for my soon to be newborn son.  He was not anyone I knew, but heard about the shower, and thought it’d be the neighborly thing to do.

Later in life, after a mutual friend of ours was brutally and tragically murdered in 1996. We were at the funeral and met again & Scott gave me a ride back from Louisiana to Texas after it was all over.  We were friends from then on.  In fact, our friendship grew into such a close friendship that we often said we were one soul split apart from eachother at the start; our lives emulated eachother’s lives a lot, and we worked so well together spiritually, that sometimes we’d seem to think with one brain; communicate from over a distance telepathically, and feel when something’s wrong.  We ran into eachother at the emergency room one time in Dallas, both of us had loved ones admitted, and so I was able to be there at the exact time to help him through his mother’s passing.  After that he sought healing through a spiritual advisor named Margie.  He called me one evening and said, “Mollz, I felt my mother’s hands, I could say goodbye to her through this lady I met…. you have to go meet her…” 

I did, and another friendship was born.  The three of us met often, discussing spiritual ideas and practices, and implementing them in our lives.

After losing a friend to murder, sorrow had the best of us, and we all had the strong desire to start over.  Scott & his new girlfriend headed to the mountains in Colorado and I took off for the beaches of Florida.  He and his bride-to-be flew to Florida to attend my wedding, and I went to Colorado to theirs.  We went camping in Santa Fe New Mexico , listened to countless hours of music & loving certain lyrics that grabbed our hearts.

Uur favorite songs together were What’s Up by 4-Non Blonde, Tomorrow Wendy and Caroline by Concrete Blonde and I Wanna Be There by Blessed Union Of Souls. 

Every Thursday night we’d call eachother after watching Survivor.  Scott was always trying to get me to tell him who won before the show aired there, in Colorado, where the time zone was several hours difference. 

I never told.

I saw his amazement when he learned of his daughter, and we all went for a day at the zoo.  I saw the love in his eyes for Kari.  I saw a future open wide for them, the beautiful redheaded couple…

I didn’t see this coming though….

I remember Scott calling me the morning after his birth.  “He’s perfect….just perfect…” is what he told me about Skyler.  He was perfect, and a gift…. now and his brother’s are angels…

My friend Scott would not have done this, so the man who he became that day, or in the months or year prior, is a stranger to me.  Scott stood up for domestic violence victims in the past when I knew him, namely myself, after many incidents I had gone through with my exhusband.  Scott never indicated to me that he was a danger to any children, much less his own…. but then again, he wasn’t in the same set of circumstances at the time I was around.  Losing everything can lead to desperation.  I don’t know what the situation was with his marriage falling apart or domestic violence, I wasn’t there.  He hadn’t called or talked to me much over the last few years, and I wish he had.  Maybe it would’ve helped.

Maybe nothing could’ve helped and it was inevitable.  Maybe he reached a breaking point of some kind for whatever reason, I don’t know…. but it wasn’t something that the Scott I knew would have done without something catastrophic…

Now, my heart goes out to Kari, wherever you are, girl, i love you and so does all the folx from D-Town and we’re all praying for you and keeping you close in our thoughts.  Get in touch if you need anything … email me at itsalmosttuesday@gmail.com …

How do I reconcile my grief for my friend with the shock of the acts he committed against his babies?!

How?

I left my abuser…but he keeps coming after me… nobody was there to stop him…so I went back…

If I leave him, he’ll just come find me… so I might as well stay…”

I’m afraid to stay home alone… my ex might show up one day if he finds out where I am….”

Its been ten years and still I keep the shades closed on the windows, always wondering if he’s out there…”

Climbing out broken windows may be the only way to get to safety…

But now, the state of Texas wants to help keep victims of abuse safe once they do leave the abuse…by keeping residential addresses confidential & forwarding abuse victim’s mail to their safe location.

I don’t live in fear anymore…

I cleaned my house with the windows open for the first time in years …”

I’m free…. I finally feel like I’ve

gotten my life back…

Thank you ACP!

Under a new statewide program, Texans who are the victims of stalkers, sexual assault or family violence crimes can now make their home addresses confidential.

State Attorney General Gregg Abbott outlined the new program on Monday, which is designed to protect their privacy and help keep them safe.People who are eligible can sign up to have the Crime Victim Services Division of the Attorney General’s office designate a substitute address for them.

The division will receive the mail, process it, and then forward it to the participant’s actual address.

The substitute addresses can be used on voter and school registration cards, driver’s licenses and most government documents, including court records.

For more information about the Address Confidentiality Program or to learn more about the eligibility criteria, contact the program at ( 512 ) 936-1750 or ( 888 ) 832-2322.

You can also visit the agency’s web site at www.texasattorneygeneral.gov.

This is a wonderful program I recommend for all 50 states – I was a member of this program in another state until I moved back to Texas where they did not have the program in place. Had this program been in place in Texas when my ex found, stalked and utlimately planned and assisted in abducting my son, I may have never lost my little boy.

Attorney General Abbott Announces Confidential Address Program For Crime Victims

Victims of family violence, stalking and sexual assault can register for anonymous address

AUSTIN – Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott today announced that family violence, stalking and sexual assault victims may be eligible to participate in a new, state-sponsored address confidentiality program. Eligible Texans can register for an anonymous address that will appear on voter and school registration cards, driver’s licenses, and most government documents, including court records.

The Attorney General’s Crime Victim Services Division will designate a substitute address for eligible victims; receive service of process and mail for the participants; and forward mail to participants’ actual address. During the 80th Legislative Session, Sen. Eddie Lucio authored legislation creating the Address Confidentiality Program (ACP), which authorizes the attorney general to provide this service to crime victims.

“Texas family violence, stalking and sexual assault victims can now obtain a confidential address that will help them protect their privacy and keep them secure,” Attorney General Abbott said. “We are grateful to the victim assistance organizations that partnered with us to ensure this program provides the meaningful protections intended by the Legislature.”

Applicants must meet with a local domestic violence shelter, sexual assault center, law enforcement, or prosecution staff member to discuss a safety plan and learn more about the enrollment process. To get contact information for local shelters, access the Texas Council on Family Violence Web site at www.tcfv.org or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE. To contact local sexual assault centers, access the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault Web site at www.taasa.org or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at (800) 656- HOPE. Meeting with a victim advocate is vital to this process and required by law.

Sheryl Cates, chief executive officer of the TCFV and the National Domestic Violence Hotline praised the new program: “The ACP is yet another valuable tool available to victims of family violence in protecting themselves from the perpetrators who abuse them. We are grateful to General Abbott and his staff for seeking input from the Texas Council on Family Violence and many other domestic violence service providers in the development of ACP guidelines.”

Annette Burrhus-Clay, executive director of TAASA, added: “Rape is a crime that removes control from a victim; this measure provides one additional avenue for restoring that control.

TAASA is proud to have worked with the Legislature, the Attorney General and other victim advocacy organizations to see this important program through to fruition and we’re hopeful that survivors of sexual violence, stalking and domestic violence will find this a helpful tool on their path to recovery.”

	A BILL TO BE ENTITLED
	AN ACT
	relating to the creation of an address confidentiality program to
	assist victims of family violence, sexual assault, or stalking in
	maintaining confidential addresses.
	BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF TEXAS:
	SECTION 1. Chapter 56, Code of Criminal Procedure, is
	amended by adding Subchapter C to read as follows:
	SUBCHAPTER C. ADDRESS CONFIDENTIALITY PROGRAM FOR VICTIMS OF
	FAMILY VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, OR STALKING
	Art. 56.81. DEFINITIONS. In this subchapter:
	(1) “Applicant” means a person who applies to
	participate in the program.
	(2) “Family violence” has the meaning assigned by
	Section 71.004, Family Code.
	(3) “Family violence shelter center” has the meaning
	assigned by Section 51.002, Human Resources Code.
	(4) “Mail” means first class mail and any mail sent by
	a government agency. The term does not include a package,
	regardless of size or type of mailing.
	(5) “Participant” means an applicant who is certified
	for participation in the program.
	(6) “Program” means the address confidentiality
	program created under this subchapter.
	Art. 56.82. ADDRESS CONFIDENTIALITY PROGRAM. (a) The
	attorney general shall establish an address confidentiality
	program, as provided by this subchapter, to assist a victim of
	family violence or an offense under Section 22.011, 22.021, 25.02,
	or 42.072, Penal Code, in maintaining a confidential address.
	(b) The attorney general shall:
	(1) designate a substitute post office box address
	that a participant may use in place of the participant’s true
	residential, business, or school address;
	(2) act as agent to receive service of process and mail
	on behalf of the participant; and
	(3) forward to the participant mail received by the
	office of the attorney general on behalf of the participant.
	(c) A summons, writ, notice, demand, or process may be
	served on the attorney general on behalf of the participant by
	delivery of two copies of the document to the office of the attorney
	general. The attorney general shall retain a copy of the summons,
	writ, notice, demand, or process and forward the original to the
	participant not later than the third day after the date of service
	on the attorney general.
	(d) The attorney general shall make and retain a copy of the
	envelope in which certified mail is received on behalf of the
	participant.
	Art. 56.83. ELIGIBILITY TO PARTICIPATE IN PROGRAM. (a) To
	be eligible to participate in the program, an applicant must:
	(1) meet with a victim’s assistance counselor from a
	state or local agency or other entity designated by the attorney
	general under Article 56.92 and receive orientation information
	about the program;
	(2) file an application for participation with the
	attorney general or a state or local agency or other entity
	designated by the attorney general under Article 56.92;
	(3) designate the attorney general as agent to receive
	service of process and mail on behalf of the applicant; and
	(4) live at a residential address, or relocate to a
	residential address, that is unknown to the person who committed or
	is alleged to have committed the family violence or an offense under
	Section 22.011, 22.021, 25.02, or 42.072, Penal Code.
	(b) An application under Subsection (a)(2) must contain:
	(1) a signed, sworn statement by the applicant stating
	that the applicant fears for the safety of the applicant, the
	applicant’s child, or another person in the applicant’s household
	because of a threat of immediate or future harm caused by the person
	who committed or is alleged to have committed the family violence or
	an offense under Section 22.011, 22.021, 25.02, or 42.072, Penal
	Code;
	(2) the applicant’s true residential address and, if
	applicable, the applicant’s business and school addresses; and
	(3) a statement by the applicant of whether there is an
	existing court order or a pending court case for child support or
	child custody or visitation that involves the applicant and, if so,
	the name and address of:
	(A) the legal counsel of record; and
	(B) each parent involved in the court order or
	pending case.
	(c) An application under Subsection (a)(2) must be
	completed by the applicant in person at the state or local agency or
	other entity with which the application is filed. An applicant who
	knowingly or intentionally makes a false statement in an
	application under Subsection (a)(2) is subject to prosecution under
	Chapter 37, Penal Code.
	(d) A state or local agency or other entity with which an
	application is filed under Subsection (a)(2) shall forward the
	application to the office of the attorney general.
	(e) The attorney general by rule may establish additional
	eligibility requirements for participation in the program that are
	consistent with the purpose of the program as stated in Article
	56.82(a). The attorney general may establish procedures for
	requiring an applicant, in appropriate circumstances, to submit
	with the application under Subsection (a)(2) independent
	documentary evidence of family violence or an offense under Section
	22.011, 22.021, 25.02, or 42.072, Penal Code, in the form of:
	(1) an active or recently issued protective order;
	(2) an incident report or other record maintained by a
	law enforcement agency or official;
	(3) a statement of a physician or other health care
	provider regarding the applicant’s medical condition as a result of
	the family violence or offense; or
	(4) a statement of a mental health professional, a
	member of the clergy, an attorney or other legal advocate, a trained
	staff member of a family violence center, or another professional
	who has assisted the applicant in addressing the effects of the
	family violence or offense.
	(f) Any assistance or counseling provided by the attorney
	general or an employee or agent of the attorney general to an
	applicant does not constitute legal advice.
	Art. 56.84. CERTIFICATION; EXPIRATION. (a) The attorney
	general shall certify for participation in the program an applicant
	who satisfies the eligibility requirements under Article 56.83.
	(b) A certification under this article expires on the third
	anniversary of the date of certification.
	Art. 56.85. RENEWAL. To renew a certification under
	Article 56.84, a participant must satisfy the eligibility
	requirements under Article 56.83 as if the participant were
	originally applying for participation in the program.
	Art. 56.86. INELIGIBILITY AND CANCELLATION. (a) An
	applicant is ineligible for, and a participant may be excluded
	from, participation in the program if the applicant or participant
	knowingly makes a false statement on an application filed under
	Article 56.83(a)(2).
	(b) A participant may be excluded from participation in the
	program if:
	(1) mail forwarded to the participant by the attorney
	general is returned undeliverable on at least four occasions;
	(2) the participant changes the participant’s true
	residential address as provided in the application filed under
	Article 56.83(a)(2) and does not notify the attorney general of the
	change at least 10 days before the date of the change; or
	(3) the participant changes the participant’s name.
	Art. 56.87. WITHDRAWAL. A participant may withdraw from
	the program by notifying the attorney general in writing of the
	withdrawal.
	Art. 56.88. CONFIDENTIALITY; DESTRUCTION OF INFORMATION.
	(a) Information relating to a participant:
	(1) is confidential, except as provided by Article
	56.90; and
	(2) may not be disclosed under Chapter 552, Government
	Code.
	(b) Except as provided by Article 56.82(d), the attorney
	general may not make a copy of any mail received by the office of the
	attorney general on behalf of the participant.
	(c) The attorney general shall destroy all information
	relating to a participant on the third anniversary of the date
	participation in the program ends.
	Art. 56.89. ACCEPTANCE OF SUBSTITUTE ADDRESS; EXEMPTIONS.
	(a) Except as provided by Subsection (b), a state or local agency
	must accept the substitute post office box address designated by
	the attorney general if the substitute address is presented to the
	agency by a participant in place of the participant’s true
	residential, business, or school address.
	(b) The attorney general by rule may permit an agency to
	require a participant to provide the participant’s true
	residential, business, or school address, if necessary for the
	agency to perform a duty or function that is imposed by law or
	administrative requirement.
	Art. 56.90. EXCEPTIONS. The attorney general:
	(1) shall disclose a participant’s true residential,
	business, or school address if:
	(A) requested by:
	(i) a law enforcement agency; or
	(ii) the Department of State Health
	Services or a local health authority for the purpose of making a
	notification described by Article 21.31, Section 54.033, Family
	Code, or Section 81.051, Health and Safety Code; or
	(B) required by court order; and
	(2) may disclose a participant’s true residential,
	business, or school address if:
	(A) the participant consents to the disclosure;
	and
	(B) the disclosure is necessary to administer the
	program.
	Art. 56.91. LIABILITY. (a) The attorney general or an
	agent or employee of the attorney general is immune from liability
	for any act or omission by the agent or employee in administering
	the program if the agent or employee was acting in good faith and in
	the course and scope of assigned responsibilities and duties.
	(b) An agent or employee of the attorney general who does
	not act in good faith and in the course and scope of assigned
	responsibilities and duties in disclosing a participant’s true
	residential, business, or school address is subject to prosecution
	under Chapter 39, Penal Code.
	Art. 56.92. PROGRAM ASSISTANCE. The attorney general
	shall:
	(1) identify state and local agencies and other
	entities, whether for-profit or nonprofit, that provide counseling
	and shelter services to victims of family violence; and
	(2) require the identified agencies to provide access
	to the program, including making program information and
	application materials available and providing assistance in
	completing program applications.
	Art. 56.93. RULES. The attorney general shall adopt rules
	to administer the program.
	SECTION 2. Article 56.54, Code of Criminal Procedure, is
	amended by amending Subsection (c) and adding Subsection (l) to
	read as follows:
	(c) Except as provided by Subsections (h), [and] (i), and
	(l), the compensation to victims of crime auxiliary fund may be used
	by the attorney general only for the payment of compensation to
	claimants or victims under this subchapter.
	(l) The attorney general may use the compensation to victims
	of crime auxiliary fund to cover costs incurred by the attorney
	general in administering the address confidentiality program
	established under Subchapter C.
	SECTION 3. Section 18.005(a), Election Code, is amended to
	read as follows:
	(a) Each original and supplemental list of registered
	voters must:
	(1) contain the voter’s name, residence address or
	substitute post office box address, if required by Section 18.0051,
	date of birth, and registration number as provided by the statewide
	computerized voter registration list;
	(2) be arranged alphabetically by voter name; and
	(3) contain the notation required by Section 15.111[;
	and
	[(4) until Section 13.122(d) expires, identify each
	voter registered by mail for the first time who failed to provide a
	copy of a document described by Section 63.0101 establishing the
	voter's identity at the time of registration].
	SECTION 4. Subchapter A, Chapter 18, Election Code, is
	amended by adding Section 18.0051 to read as follows:
	Sec. 18.0051. CONTENTS OF LIST: SUBSTITUTE ADDRESS. An
	original or supplemental list of registered voters must contain a
	voter’s substitute post office box address designated by the
	attorney general under Article 56.82(b), Code of Criminal
	Procedure, for use by the voter in place of the voter’s true
	residential, business, or school address if the voter is eligible
	for early voting by mail under Section 82.007 and has submitted an
	early voting ballot application as required by Section 84.0021.
	SECTION 5. Chapter 82, Election Code, is amended by adding
	Section 82.007 to read as follows:
	Sec. 82.007. PARTICIPATION IN ADDRESS CONFIDENTIALITY
	PROGRAM. A qualified voter is eligible for early voting by mail if,
	at the time the voter’s early voting ballot application is
	submitted, the voter is certified for participation in the address
	confidentiality program administered by the attorney general under
	Chapter 56, Code of Criminal Procedure.
	SECTION 6. Subchapter A, Chapter 84, Election Code, is
	amended by adding Section 84.0021 to read as follows:
	Sec. 84.0021. CONTENTS OF APPLICATION FOR PARTICIPANT IN
	ADDRESS CONFIDENTIALITY PROGRAM; CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION.
	(a) An early voting ballot application submitted by a qualified
	voter who is eligible for early voting by mail under Section 82.007
	must include:
	(1) the applicant’s name and address at which the
	applicant is registered to vote;
	(2) the substitute post office box address designated
	by the attorney general under Article 56.82(b), Code of Criminal
	Procedure, for use by the voter in place of the voter’s true
	residential, business, or school address; and
	(3) an indication of each election for which the
	applicant is applying for a ballot.
	(b) The information contained in an application under this
	section relating to the address at which the applicant is
	registered to vote is confidential, except that the information
	must be disclosed if:
	(1) requested by a law enforcement agency; or
	(2) required by court order.
	SECTION 7. Chapter 221, Election Code, is amended by adding
	Section 221.018 to read as follows:
	Sec. 221.018. EXAMINATION OF CERTAIN CONFIDENTIAL
	INFORMATION. (a) Notwithstanding Section 84.0021(b), the
	tribunal hearing an election contest may examine the information
	contained in an application under Section 84.0021 relating to the
	address at which the applicant is registered to vote.
	(b) Information may be examined under this section only for
	the purpose of hearing an election contest.
	SECTION 8. The attorney general shall establish the address
	confidentiality program and adopt rules to administer the program
	as required by Subchapter C, Chapter 56, Code of Criminal
	Procedure, as added by this Act, not later than June 1, 2008.
	SECTION 9. This Act takes effect immediately if it receives
	a vote of two-thirds of all the members elected to each house, as
	provided by Section 39, Article III, Texas Constitution. If this
	Act does not receive the vote necessary for immediate effect, this
	Act takes effect September 1, 2007.

For more information about the Address Confidentiality Program or to learn more about the eligibility criteria, contact the program at (512) 936-1750 or (888) 832-2322, or visit the agency’s Web site at www.texasattorneygeneral.gov.

STATES WHICH HAVE ADDRESS CONFIDENTIALITY PROGRAMS IMPLEMENTED FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE VICTIMS

State (year of implementation)	Statute
Arkansas (2005)	Ark. Stat. Ann. 27-16-810
California (1998)	Cal. Govt. Code §6206
Connecticut (2004)	-
Florida (1998)	F.S.A. §741.403
Illinois (1999) (no funding)	750 ILCS 61/
Indiana (2001)	IC §5-26.5-2
Maine (2002)	5 M.S.R.A. §90-B
Massachusetts (2001)	M.G.L.A. 9A §2
Nebraska (2003)	Neb. Rev. Stat. §42-1201 through 42-1210
Nevada (1997)	N.R.S. §217.462
New Hampshire (2001)	N.H. Rev. Stat. Ann. §7:43
New Jersey (1998)	N.J. Stat. Ann. §47:4-4
North Carolina (2002)	N.C. Gen. Stat. §15C-1
Oklahoma (2002)	22 Okla. Stat. Ann. §60.14
Oregon (2006)	2005 Or. Laws, Chap. 821 (SB 850)
Pennsylvania (2005)	2004 Pa. Laws, Act 188
Rhode Island (1999)	R.I. Gen Laws §17-28-3
Vermont (2000)	15 VSA §1152
Washington (1991)	RCW §40.24.030

]]> http://brokenwindowsdv.wordpress.com/2008/06/06/acp-offers-freedom-for-abuse-victims-in-texas/feed/ 2 Forever http://brokenwindowsdv.wordpress.com/2008/05/17/states-with-address-confidentiality-programs-for-domestic-violence-survivors-2/ http://brokenwindowsdv.wordpress.com/2008/05/17/states-with-address-confidentiality-programs-for-domestic-violence-survivors-2/#comments Sat, 17 May 2008 07:32:20 +0000 14thdaymom http://brokenwindowsdv.wordpress.com/?p=46 ]]> States with Address Confidentiality Programs for Domestic Violence Survivors

Nineteen states have statutes authorizing address confidentiality programs.  Washington was the first state to create a program in 1991.  The programs are similar in most of the states.  The agency operating the program can vary. Some states run their address confidentiality programs through their Attorney General’s office while others place it in the Secretary of State’s office.  Survivors of domestic violence or sexual assault apply for the program.  The state entity running the program assigns them a “dummy” address or an address at the state office.  The entity then forwards mail to the program participant’s actual physical address.  Most states with address confidentiality programs have created procedures to address court summonses, service of process, and other official mail.  They also have provisions for confidentiality of the information, including voter registration.  In most states, program participants vote by absentee ballot.  Their addresses are exempt from publication with state voter registry records.

State (year of implementation)	Statute
Arkansas (2005)	Ark. Stat. Ann. 27-16-810
California (1998)	Cal. Govt. Code §6206
Connecticut (2004)	-
Florida (1998)	F.S.A. §741.403
Illinois (1999) (no funding)	750 ILCS 61/
Indiana (2001)	IC §5-26.5-2
Maine (2002)	5 M.S.R.A. §90-B
Massachusetts (2001)	M.G.L.A. 9A §2
Nebraska (2003)	Neb. Rev. Stat. §42-1201 through 42-1210
Nevada (1997)	N.R.S. §217.462
New Hampshire (2001)	N.H. Rev. Stat. Ann. §7:43
New Jersey (1998)	N.J. Stat. Ann. §47:4-4
North Carolina (2002)	N.C. Gen. Stat. §15C-1
Oklahoma (2002)	22 Okla. Stat. Ann. §60.14
Oregon (2006)	2005 Or. Laws, Chap. 821 (SB 850)
Pennsylvania (2005)	2004 Pa. Laws, Act 188
Rhode Island (1999)	R.I. Gen Laws §17-28-3
Vermont (2000)	15 VSA §1152
Washington (1991)	RCW §40.24.030

For more information on domestic violence issues, please contact Stephanie Walton in the Denver office at 303.364.7700 or

I am a survivor of abuse.  I have post traumatic stress disorder.  I will flinch and fear you when you’ve done nothing wrong to me.  If you get angry at the dog, I cry.  If you slam the door yelling at the neighbor, I hide in my room.

I cower down in fear and hold up my arms and say “I’m afraid of you, please don’t hit me!” and yet, you have never hit me before…. and you probably won’t.  But that’s what happens when you are a survivor of abuse with PTSD.

I run away.

I have even become so fearful that I’ve devised the murder plot in my own mind that was (I convinced myself) being planned by the person I live with and his friends.    When I became distant, and he asks me what was the matter it sounded ridiculous for me to say, “I thought you were going to murder me!”

But I did.

Am I insane? Am I crazy?  Am I completely off my rocker?  I don’t think so.  I have issues.  I have problems to deal with.  I have PTSD, Battered Women’s Syndrome, I am a survivor of abuse, and I am like this because someone made me this way.

Somebody else made me like this…. afraid…

Don’t hit.  If you are abusing someone, stop, get help.  If you are getting abused, get help.

Or you may end up like me… and its tragic to live life in fear …

UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES

by R. Lundy Bancroft c 1998

A sophisticated understanding of the mind of the abuser, his style as a parent, and of the tactics that he most commonly employs during separation and divorce, are essential to anyone making custody recommendations or working to design visitation plans that are safe for the children and their mother. Contrary to popular belief, children of batterers can be at just as much risk psychologically, sexually, and even physically after the couple splits up as they were when the family was still together. In fact, many children experience the most damaging victimization from the abuser at this point. A genuine batterer can be difficult to distinguish from one who is unfairly accused, and batterers who will be a grave risk to their children during unsupervised visitation can be hard to separate from those who can visit safely. The insights and expertise of those service providers who have extensive experience working directly with abusers needs to be drawn from, and the level of contribution from victims themselves to policy design also needs to be greatly increased. Custody and visitation battles amidst allegations of domestic violence require policies and interveners (judges, mediators, and Guardians Ad Litem) based in the most detailed knowledge, experience, sensitivity, and integrity. The stakes for children are very high.

This article is drawn largely from the author’s ten years of experience working as a counselor and supervisor in programs for abusive men, involving contact with some 1500 abusers, and hundreds of their victims, over that period. During the first few years of this period I worked almost exclusively with voluntary clients, and during the latter period worked primarily with court-mandated ones. The characteristics of the clients changed remarkably little during that shift. In the late 1980′s, professionals in batterer programs began paying particular attention to the behavior of clients with respect to probate processes, and we began asking victims more questions about the man’s conduct with respect to visitation and custody. Since leaving direct work with batterers, I have served with increasing frequency as a custody evaluator (both as Guardian ad Litem and as Care and Protection Investigator), and have worked closely with child protective services. I also have drawn from numerous published studies, several of which are listed in the back of this article. [I have chosen for reasons of ease to refer to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she," but I am aware that there is a small percentage of cases of domestic violence to which this language does not apply.]

PROFILE OF THE BATTERER  (view article)

Generalizations about batterers have to be made with caution. Batterers come from all socioeconomic backgrounds and levels of education. They have the full range of personality types, from mild and mousy to loud and aggressive. They are difficult to profile psychologically; they frequently fare well in psychological testing, often better than their victims do. People outside of a batterer’s immediate family do not generally perceive him as an abusive person, or even as an especially angry one. They are as likely to be very popular as they are to be “losers,” and they may be visible in their communities for their  rofessional success and for their civic involvement. Most friends, family, and associates in a batterer’s life find it jarring when they hear what he has done, and may deny that he is capable of those acts.The partner and children of a batterer will, however, experience generalizable characteristics, though he may conceal these aspects of his attitude and behavior when other people are present:

BATTERERS’ STYLE IN MEDIATION OR CUSTODY EVALUATION (view article)

Batterers naturally strive to turn mediation and GAL processes to their advantage, through the use of various tactics. Perhaps the most common is to adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn’t understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out “for the good of the children.” He may cry in front of the mediator or GAL and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge, “even though she knows full well that I would never do anything to hurt them.” He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him. The two most common negative characterizations he will use are that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits to the detriment of his children if the court representative fails to look closely at the evidence – or ignores it – because of his charm. He also benefits when professionals believe that they can “just tell” who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate. Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly, articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in the relationship.

WHY CHILD ABUSE MAY BE REPORTED AT SEPARATION/DIVORCE FOR THE FIRST TIME (view article)

Allegations of child abuse that arise during custody and visitation conflicts are treated with similar skepticism by court personnel and service providers. A large-scale national study found that the rate of false child sexual abuse allegations does not increase at this time, contrary to popular belief (Thoennes and Tjaden). As with domestic violence allegations, there is no substitute for careful and unbiased examination of the evidence. Batterers who do abuse their children can be convincing at portraying themselves as victims of a deliberate strategy on the part of the victim in order to derail proper investigating. There are two salient reasons why child abuse reports may first arise at separation or divorce. First, children may disclose abuse at this time that is longstanding. The awareness of the custody battle can make the children afraid of being placed in the abuser’s custody, or of being forced to spend increased time with him without the protective presence of the other parent. This fear can lead children to make the frightening leap involved in discussing the abuse. After separation, children may begin spending extended unsupervised time with the abuser for the first time ever, so that the abuse escalates or they fear that it will. Increased visitation may cause panic in a victim of child abuse; a case of mine illustrated this point, with a child disclosing a detailed history of sexual abuse immediately after her visitation with her father was increased from one night every other weekend to two. Finally, children are known to be more likely to disclose abuse in the midst of any disruption or major change in their lives. (See MacFarlane et. al. on the above points.)

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN BATTERING AND CHILD ABUSE (view article)

Batterers are several times as likely as non-batterers to abuse children, and this risk appears to increase rather than decrease when the couple separates. Multiple studies have shown that 50% to 70% of men who use violence against their intimate partners are physically abusive to their children as well. A batterer is seven times more likely than a non-batterer to frequently beat his children (Straus). A batterer is at least four times more likely than a non-batterer to be an incest perpetrator. (Herman 1991, McCLoskey et. al.) Psychological abuse to the children is almost always present where there is domestic violence; in fact, the abuse towards their primary caretaker is itself a form of emotional abuse of the children, as numerous studies now document. It is true that battered women are also more likely to abuse children than non-battered women are, but unlike with batterers, those levels decline rapidly once the relationship separates(Edleson and Schecter).

JANET JOHNSTON’S TYPOLOGY OF BATTERERS AND THE AFCC RISK ASSESSMENT:THE QUEST FOR SIMPLE SOLUTIONS (view article)

Efforts are underway nationally to ease the complexity of assessing risk to children from visitation with batterers by placing batterers into distinct types, based largely on the work of Janet Johnston. For example, a risk assessment distributed nationally by the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) draws heavily from Johnston’s work. The types Johnston posits are as follows:

Type A: “Ongoing or Episodic Male Battering”

Type B: “Female-Initiated Violence”

Type C: “Male Controlled Interactive Violence”

Type D: “Separation and Postdivorce Violence”

Type E: “Psychotic and Paranoid Reactions”

ASSESSMENT OF RISK TO CHILDREN FROM VISITATION WITH A BATTERER (view article)

Assessing the safety of children with batterers during unsupervised visitation requires careful examination of all available evidence, with as few preconceptions as possible about the credibility of either party. Even a highly skilled service provider cannot “just tell” that an alleged abuser is telling the truth or is not dangerous, even after several hours of interviews and even with the assistance of psychological testing. These can be important sources of information, but careful assessment of the alleged victim’s version of events, comparison with outside sources (to assess credibility), examination of court records, and confrontation of the alleged abuser to assess his reactions are all essential to an evaluation.

]]> http://brokenwindowsdv.wordpress.com/2007/12/18/boyfriend-arrested-in-womans-death/feed/ 0 Forever http://brokenwindowsdv.wordpress.com/2007/09/17/domestic-violence-and-abuse-signs-and-symptoms-of-abusive-relationships/ http://brokenwindowsdv.wordpress.com/2007/09/17/domestic-violence-and-abuse-signs-and-symptoms-of-abusive-relationships/#comments Mon, 17 Sep 2007 18:54:00 +0000 14thdaymom http://brokenwindowsdv.wordpress.com/2007/09/17/domestic-violence-and-abuse-signs-and-symptoms-of-abusive-relationships/ ]]> Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships
Domestic Violence and Abuse:
Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships
If you think your husband or boyfriend is abusive, or you suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship, review the red flags of domestic violence and abuse listed in this article. Recognizing the warning signs and symptoms of spousal abuse is the first step to breaking free.

If you’re afraid for your immediate safety, call 911. For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224.
In This Article:
Domestic violence or abuse
Cycle of violence
Signs of an abusive relationship
Types of domestic violence and abuse
Domestic violence warning signs
Related links
EmailPrintDomestic violence and abuse
Special note:
Although men also suffer from domestic abuse and violence, women are five to eight times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner. Because men are more often the abusers, abusers are referred to as “he” in this article.
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” He uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. He may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Victims of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be men or women, although women are more commonly victimized. This abuse happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. Except for the gender difference, domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate. It happens within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The abuse may occur during a relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship has ended.

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his wife or partner.

Violent Behavior is an Abuser’s Choice
Reasons we know an abuser’s behaviors are not about anger and rage:

He does not batter other individuals – the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
If you ask an abused woman, “can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?” She will say “yes”. Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly “out of control” he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were “out of control” or “in a rage” he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
Source: Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service

Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners:

Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you’re worthless and that no one else will want you, you’re less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN
Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don’t obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.
Cycle of violence
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse — The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim “who is boss.”
Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he’s done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.
Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he’s done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself.
“Normal” behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she’s done wrong and how he’ll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing her.
The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence
A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, “I’m sorry for hurting you.” What he does not say is, “Because I might get caught.” He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her “If you weren’t such a worthless whore I wouldn’t have to hit you.” He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because “you’re having an affair with the store clerk.” He has just set her up.

Source: Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are real.

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most significant sign is fear of your partner. Other signs include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions in the table below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:

humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for his own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:

act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

Types of domestic violence and abuse
There are different types of domestic abuse, including emotional, physical, sexual, and economic abuse. Many abusers behave in ways that include more than one type of domestic abuse, and the boundaries between some of these behaviors may overlap.

Emotional or psychological abuse
Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often escalating to physical battery.

Physical abuse
When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. There’s a broad range of behaviors that come under the heading of physical abuse, including hitting, grabbing, choking, throwing things, and assault with a weapon.

Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, between one-third and one-half of all battered women are raped by their partners at least once during their relationship. Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

Economic or financial abuse
Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he will frequently hurt you to do that. In addition to hurting you emotionally and physically, an abusive partner may also hurt you in the pocketbook. Economic of financial abuse includes:

Controlling the finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or taking your money.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain.
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
Domestic violence warning signs
Take Precautions
Call 911 or the police in your community if you suspect a case of domestic violence.
It’s impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse. If you witness a number of warning signs in a friend, family member, or co-worker, you can reasonably suspect domestic abuse.

Frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
Frequent and sudden absences from work or school
Frequent, harassing phone calls from the partner
Fear of the partner, references to the partner’s anger
Personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn)
Excessive fear of conflict
Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness
Isolation from friends and family
Insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards, car)
Depression, crying, low self-esteem
Reporting suspected domestic abuse is important. If you’re afraid of getting involved, remember that the report is confidential and everything possible will be done to protect your privacy. You don’t have to give your name, and your suspicions will be investigated before anyone is taken into custody. Most important, you can protect the victim from further harm by calling for help.

Continue Reading…
Click here to learn more about:

Protecting yourself from domestic violence
Leaving an abusive relationship safely
Restraining orders
Domestic violence shelters
Staying safe after you’ve left
Dealing with the trauma of domestic abuse
Related links for domestic abuse and violence
Domestic violence hotlines and help
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas Council on Family Violence)

State Coalition List – Directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Abusive relationships and domestic violence
Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook – Guide to domestic violence covers common myths, what to say to a victim, and what communities can do about the problem. (U.S. Department of Agriculture)

Domestic Violence: The Cycle of Violence – Learn about the cycle of violence common to abusive relationships. (Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service)

Equality Wheel (PDF) – A “wheel” that gives guidelines for a healthy, nonviolent intimate relationship between a man and a woman. (Domestic Abuse Intervention Project)

Warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse
The Problem – Offers a checklist of behaviors and feelings that will help you assess whether you are in an abusive relationship. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Domestic Violence Warning Signs – Describes common warning signs that a woman is being emotionally abused or beaten. (Safe Place, Michigan State University)

Workplace Domestic Violence– Information for recognizing, preventing, and responding to domestic violence in the workplace. (National Work~Life Alliance)

For men
Intimate Partner Abuse Against Men – Learn about domestic violence against men, including homosexual partner abuse, sexual abuse of boys and male teenagers, and abuse by wives or partners. (National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, Canada)

For gay men and women
Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships – Describes myths about same-sex abuse; unique problems of the victims of same-sex abuse; and what society and professionals can do to help. (Education Wife Assault)

For immigrant women
Information for Immigrants – Domestic violence resources for immigrant women. En Español:Información para Inmigrantes. (Women’s Law Initiative)

For teens
Dating Violence – Guide to teen dating violence, including early warning signs that your boyfriend or girlfriend may become abusive. (The Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Teens: Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt (PDF) – A teen-friendly guide to what abuse looks like in dating relationships and how to do something about it. (American Psychological Association)

Delving deeper into domestic violence and abuse
Violence Against Women – Domestic violence resource provided by the federal. Includes a list of state resources and a fact sheet on identifying abuse. (The National Women’s Health Information Center)

Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse – Electronic clearinghouse of information about domestic violence and abuse, including a searchable online library of articles.

Pat Davies, Melinda Smith, M.A., Tina de Benedictis, Ph.D., Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last modified on: 8/20/07.

Protect Friends & Families of Incarcerated Individuals From Monopolizing PrePaid Phone Companies (Evercom, Correctional Billing) Unfair Deceptive Business Practices Petition

HB 1161/SB 196—Pets Included in Orders of Protection

Sponsor(s): Rep. Janis Sontany, Senator Tim Burchett
ASPCA Position: Support
Action Needed: Please contact Governor Phil Bredesen and ask him to sign H.B. 1161/S.B. 196 into law.

Up to 40 percent of battered women delay going to a shelter because they fear what will happen to their left-behind pet.

One in Four

Women

Will experience

Domestic Violence

In her lifetime.

 

Update, 5/17/07: Both bills have successfully completed their journeys through the Tennessee Legislature, and now await the Governor’s signature. Great job, advocates! HB 1161/SB 196 will give the courts the power to protect pets by including them in protective orders, thereby helping to break the cycle of domestic abuse and violence. Sadly, animals often are used as pawns in domestic disputes. Batterers abuse animals for a variety of reasons—to demonstrate power and control, to retaliate for acts of independence and to coerce a victim to return.

In recent years, a strong and surprising connection has been documented linking animal abuse and domestic violence. In a survey conducted by The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence of those living in shelters for battered women and children, incidents of pet abuse were reported by 85.4 percent of the women and 63 percent of the children. Sixty percent of women who are the victims of domestic violence have had a pet killed by violence.

Please contact members Governor Bredesen ask him to sign H.B. 1161/S.B. 196.