I didn’t leave because I wanted to be alone; I didn’t leave because I didn’t love him; I didn’t leave because I didn’t want a family; or because I didn’t believe him; I left to save my life. I left so my son wouldn’t grow up to be like his daddy.
I came back because I had to.
Then I left…
and came back…
and left again…
and again…
and again…
I am a survivor of abuse.
Domestic violence has plagued mine and my children’s lives. It has separated my children from each other and from me.
I left my abuser and although his threats were real, and its been two years since I’ve seen my child, if I hadn’t left, I think our lives would have been worse. Or not at all.
Do I have the answers? No. I have experience. I wish I didn’t. But, so long as its been my experience, I choose to turn it positive in some way, and if something in this blog or any other blog I write, helps someone, then I’ve been more than just a statistic, or a victim. Maybe then when I find my son again, he’ll know I didn’t leave because I wanted to, and that I love him more than anything.
The hardest part about leaving is staying out. They make it sound good on paper but when you are in the real world, running for your life, terrified, Or even when you settle down, its tough. I had gotten a great job as a dental assistant for a pediatric dentist in the operating room. The rules were no phone calls at work. The day care called, my son had 102 fever, I took the call, I asked to leave. I lost my job. “Maybe you’re not ready to be a single mother with a career…”
I said, “Maybe not…”
Homeless, broke, and looking desperately for help, and kso you follow the posters’ suggestions, right?
Call the hotlines…the last thing you want to hear when you call the domestic violence hotline terrified your ex will padlock the door to your trailer & burn you alive is
“well, don’t buy such a big lock & leave it outside…”
when you call the shelter, they will ask if your abuser is there or if you or your children are hurt….
if you say “no, but he’s on his way” the last thing you want to hear is
“well, when he gets there if he hurts you, call 911, then us…”
The last thing you want to hear
when you go to the office of the State Attorney asking for enforcement on your protective order is
“try going across the hall to the Victims/Witness office”
and when you do, they tell you to dial 3 on the lobby phone to talk to the State Attorney’s office (that just sent you there.)
The last thing you want to hear if you go to Legal Aid seeking help to enforce a protective order is
“did our office get this order for you originally? no…oh, well we can’t help you…”
The last thing you want to hear from a Victim’s advocate is
“your situation is a bit too complex for my level of experience, have you called the shelter in your area?”…
(and it was the shelter that sent you there….)
Or to hear
“this protective order is from another state, we won’t honor that…”
from a police officer responding when he’s at your door trying to take your child…
The last thing you want to hear is
“it’s not stalking if he’s not breaking the law otherwise…“
(stalking IS breaking the law)
The last thing you want when you are trying to keep your child safe from an abuser is to have the courts give the abuser custody because you are too “emotional”… from the abuse…
The last thing you want is to go to a shelter and have your child removed from your care because you’re in a shelter…
The last thing you want to hear from a judge is
“you’ll never see your child again…”
What the hell kind of help is that?
And you ask why do we keep going back??
What would you do?
I’ve climbed out a broken window to leave …
and walked through the door when I came back…
it was better than sleeping in my car
and begging for food…
i was lucky
i had a car
(don’t ask why we stay… ask how you can REALLY help us when we leave…) 
Each time an abuser is allowed to abuse, he gains strength, confidence and ego to abuse again, each time you allow an abuser by not arresting, by not enforcing protective orders, by not accepting a battered woman into a shelter because her injuries are not visible, by giving custody to the abuser when your gut knows its wrong… you feed the abuse…
